Live Boldly… Will, asking Emilia Clark in a letter after he moved on from his earthly life….As famously remembered from the book and movie “ Me Before You”.
I have just came back from my solo travel though intending to have an “eat, pray … love” vacation, I knew one week would not be enough. Yet… I’m thankful for my going sabbatical even for a moment. I may have not accomplish my goal but I guess I came back… wanting to live boldly.
It has been a while … Believe me, it has been a while… To be doing something you always thought you love doing…When you realized that you have reached this point in your life, where you could not even draw enough energy to do even the things you love. Its an unbearable realization…
I love to write.. I always have something to write …from unimaginable love stories to unsent love letters…
To be able to pen down my feelings now is actually a challenge. To acknowledge my very own feelings that I myself have been neglecting for the longest time.
I bought this golden pen and journal while I was traveling alone.I felt quite lost literally most of those times… counting only on my gut to choose which direction to go while I was strolling on unfamiliar streets. It was a beautiful place. I got addicted to getting lost in that city. It somehow brought me to corners and simple pavements with blowing branches … blooming flowers.To be walking on circles in a park… literally again…
My friend, who took me to the bus station,though I knew, she was worried at that time… said “just ask for direction and you wont get lost”…Which I did many times (thank you Mr Google)… surely , I knew she did not mean it that way. I know she meant for me to get lost and learn to talk to people… to be brave…
I hugged her back and she knew that I was telling her that I will find my way, I will figure it out…
And yet … Yes! There I was lost as ever..but wasnt that alarmed.. I was lost already long before … only I was out of the comforts of my family… friends… home. I was by myself…sitting next to a stranger in a bus… having table for one in-front of many tables taken by friends catching up with each other… by families sharing a simple meal… by lovebirds who cant seem to stop staring at each other.
I was by myself.I did felt heavy in the inside.. but never did I felt sorry for being alone during those times… It was liberating. It was the first time I allowed myself to feel whatever I was meant to feel… I felt scared. I have been wanting to feel scared, Scared that I wasnt living the life that I wanted. I have been afraid of a lot of things that were meaningless …Rejection…Acceptance… even stability.
It made me a coward, a pushover but now, I was afraid for the right reason.
I may not have all the time she had and money more so Bali but still I ate alot…I think I prayed a little…loved?… Maybe A bit of Self love… Its a work in progress..
I don’t want to put a rainbow over this… But I know I will get there …
I’ll just have to ask…
For direction…
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